So I’m single again. A month ago, I thought I’d never say those words again. Halo probably is still the one I will always love the most, but he pushed my don’t push button. We’re done.
As per the blog that I just wrote, he read what I had to say and called me with an argument, even though I’ve told him dozens of times that my blog is my space to work my shit out. His feelings got hurt so he called me to be angry about the fact that I’m writing about how I feel instead of talking to him. Meanwhile, his reaction pretty much confirms why I feel that I can’t talk to him. Above and beyond that, he came at me like clearing my head in my own blog is a betrayal, came at me with an accusation of hiding things from him even though everything in that blog is old news. The fact that I blog about us is old news. The fact that I don’t like to talk on the phone about daily bullshit is old news to anybody who knows me.
It’s also old news that when he gets emotional, he takes things too hard, doesn’t see things clearly, and says things that he doesn’t mean. I reminded him that those facts are the very reason why we are in the situation that we’re in, but he didn’t listen. He can’t be reasoned with, when he’s in a state. He either wants to wallow in his feelings or spew them out all over me and the situation, turning something that is supposed to be about us both into The Halo Show. That’s what happened over our vacation. I’m not here for more of the same.
He’s acting like Mum, and that’s how the don’t push button got pushed. He’s not crazy like her, but he doesn’t know how to rein in his emotions when it comes to me and our relationship, which is a personality trait that she also shares. Halo’s really good about being level headed and diplomatic with other people and in his work life. I don’t know why it falls apart with me, but I’ve had enough of it. I already know this song and dance. We argue, he says he doesn’t mean it and retreats, only to do the same damn thing the next time around. That’s how it is with mum, a scary-go-round of emotional ups and downs. No love is worth that constant headache, or me having to walk around with the fear that anything I say about our relationship, anything critical or from my perspective in my own fucking blog, will set off his feelings and turn into an argument. The whole point of me having a blog is for me to have a safe space for my own mind. If he’s going to be threatened by what I write, by who I am, I don’t need him in my life. I’m done walking on eggshells.
I’m writing this while it’s fresh so that I remember a few things as I go forward. No more vanillas, and no more emotionally heavy alpha males. No more plans to live together. No more relationship status changes. From now on, I’m permanently single, no matter who’s in my life.
I’m sure I’ll think of some more things for this punch list later, but I’m pretty fucking depressed right now. A year and a half down the drain, on a dude who worried about our relationship and didn’t even know why, on a dude that I gave the opportunity to have everything an adventurous single guy could want plus a loyal, loving, and supportive relationship. So what the fuck ever to his worries. If he wants to think the worst of me every time he doesn’t get his way or his feelings get hurt, then that’s his problem. Unfounded worry is more commonly known as insecurity.
